Read my latest flash, Venison, at 52|250.

There’s only one way to tolerate the spewing stream of half-truths and damned lies that will be beamed to American TVs tonight (and I’m not talking about the evening news), and that’s by getting smashed, so here’s a drinking game for the 2008 edition. I personally prefer to use whiskey, but you should choose whatever liquor you’re most fond of (or weak beer if you’re not much of a drinker) unless otherwise specified.

• Any time Bush mentions his legacy or the judgment of history, take a drink.
• If he proposes something unconstitutional, take two. For each person watching with you who thinks it’s perfectly permissible, have an additional shot. If he justifies the proposal with a reference to terrorists, drink an AK47.
• Toast each mention of patriotism with American champagne.
• For each mention of Iran or North Korea, have an A-bomb.
• Every time he says life, have an abortion. If he says “culture of life” have two.
• Whenever he mispronounces a word, drink one shot if you’ve heard him do so before, two if you haven’t, and three if you’ve heard him pronounce it correctly before.
• When he conflates enriching the rich with empowering people, drink a shot of goldschlager.
• When he says faith, drink the devil’s delight.
• When the Democrats applaud even though they’re supposed to be the opposition, you might as well drink the whole damn bottle. And if it’s a standing ovation, then you’d probably better switch to something a whole lot harder than alcohol.

If you follow these instructions faithfully, you’re sure to end up in the same place as our democracy.

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